It's not for lack of trying. Since around 9:30 PM I've progressed from physical journal, to Day One, to Tumblr, to Facebook, and it was still not enough. It's a mark of how large, looming, and possibly life altering the next series of thoughts and decisions will be.
I can't even bear to write it out now. It's all too much within me; there hasn't been a proper consultation. Again, this is not for lack of attempts to do so. Has this particular mess reached such quiet, irreparable lengths that the best action left is to walk away?
Will this end poorly? Does it deserve this kind of sadness?
I think I've come back to this "hidden" blog and wrote something every time I felt like I'm about to make a great leap of faith. In my maddest hours, I wanted to read back and remember how I felt like during certain milestones in my life, and wanted to recall how I moved in particular situations.
This should be dead and gone, along with many other things. But it's still up, I haven't backed up, and I continue to post.
Someday all this will make sense.
Here's the gist of the latest inner turmoil.
I'm trying to put off deciding or making a conviction that "it's over" for as long as possible. And yet deep down something's telling me that this is a long time coming. "Don't fix what ain't broken" has worked pretty well over the past 6 years, but suddenly, here we are, and I am even more unhappy as fuck because I've neglected addressing red flags, sad red flags. Not deal-breakers, not third parties, not for lack of passion.
But as a whole, it was really hard to just be convinced that we barrel through life together, with these kinds of tendencies.
Or perhaps the future has simply transformed in light of present events, and suddenly, we might have to face things via different paths. But isn't it so that the present - and our failure to shape it towards whatever togetherness we desire - to blame?
To be succinct: I am wavering because I am not certain of the future anymore. And that there wasn't a promise to begin with.
Oh, I really don't know anymore.
What do I want him to do now then?
- Propose? God forbid.
- Become rich overnight?
- Tell me he'll be better -- he's done this hundreds of times. What has changed, taken effect?
- Hug me. Always works. But now I'm always cranky.
Honestly I don't understand what is triggering this general unhappiness. I know I'll be miserable if we do come to agree to separate ways. But right now, staying together really seems hardly worth it.
"Are you sure you want to throw away all those years?" No.
But I do not want to throw away the rest of my youth in uncertainty, misgivings, frustration, and feeling inadequately cared for, either.
He's not evil. He's not crass and it's not that he doesn't try.
But he doesn't understand completely.
Can I really find someone who will understand me fully? Crave me, desire me, consume me in the ways I fantasize and imagine about?
These questions, vs:
Can I live without him? Yes. The answer comes clearly to my head fast. I will be miserable, maybe never completely happy. But as a matter of fact, I can exist without him. I can un-learn dependence, for what it's worth.
Do I still love him?