Thursday, January 02, 2014

Talking to myself in private, dodging sermons from my rational side

Somehow the oddest hours of the day, after a long night of indecision and inability to articulate anything professionally useful, find me back here.

It's not for lack of trying. Since around 9:30 PM I've progressed from physical journal, to Day One, to Tumblr, to Facebook, and it was still not enough. It's a mark of how large, looming, and possibly life altering the next series of thoughts and decisions will be.

I can't even bear to write it out now. It's all too much within me; there hasn't been a proper consultation. Again, this is not for lack of attempts to do so. Has this particular mess reached such quiet, irreparable lengths that the best action left is to walk away?

Will this end poorly? Does it deserve this kind of sadness?

I think I've come back to this "hidden" blog and wrote something every time I felt like I'm about to make a great leap of faith. In my maddest hours, I wanted to read back and remember how I felt like during certain milestones in my life, and wanted to recall how I moved in particular situations.

This should be dead and gone, along with many other things. But it's still up, I haven't backed up, and I continue to post.

Someday all this will make sense.

Here's the gist of the latest inner turmoil.

I'm trying to put off deciding or making a conviction that "it's over" for as long as possible. And yet deep down something's telling me that this is a long time coming. "Don't fix what ain't broken" has worked pretty well over the past 6 years, but suddenly, here we are, and I am even more unhappy as fuck because I've neglected addressing red flags, sad red flags. Not deal-breakers, not third parties, not for lack of passion.

But as a whole, it was really hard to just be convinced that we barrel through life together, with these kinds of tendencies.

Or perhaps the future has simply transformed in light of present events, and suddenly, we might have to face things via different paths. But isn't it so that the present - and our failure to shape it towards whatever togetherness we desire - to blame?

To be succinct: I am wavering because I am not certain of the future anymore. And that there wasn't a promise to begin with.

Oh, I really don't know anymore.

What do I want him to do now then?
  • Propose? God forbid.
  • Become rich overnight?
  • Tell me he'll be better -- he's done this hundreds of times. What has changed, taken effect?
  • Hug me. Always works. But now I'm always cranky. 
Honestly I don't understand what is triggering this general unhappiness. I know I'll be miserable if we do come to agree to separate ways. But right now, staying together really seems hardly worth it.

"Are you sure you want to throw away all those years?" No.

But I do not want to throw away the rest of my youth in uncertainty, misgivings, frustration, and feeling inadequately cared for, either.

He's not evil. He's not crass and it's not that he doesn't try.
But he doesn't understand completely.

Can I really find someone who will understand me fully? Crave me, desire me, consume me in the ways I fantasize and imagine about?

These questions, vs:

Can I live without him? Yes. The answer comes clearly to my head fast. I will be miserable, maybe never completely happy. But as a matter of fact, I can exist without him. I can un-learn dependence, for what it's worth.

Do I still love him?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Walking Home


I often catch myself thinking, shouldn’t we be running in this part? Those kids are always being depicted reckelessly running in dimly lit side streets, but do you know how hard it is to fucking run in a typical Manila street?
  1. Too many cars double parked.
  2. A racing motorcycle (or truck or CRV) will render you dead on arrival.
  3. Bangketas (what we call these side-walks) filled with land mines of dog poop or broken glass or
  4. The sidewalks being just plain… little. Some sidewalks I encountered were barely a foot wide. What exactly were they being literal about with these footpaths, really? And then in some streets, sidewalks double as house extensions / sari sari store tambays areas so you have no choice but to take to the road. Bangekta does not sound like Bangko (bench) without reason, after all.
  5. Everything just stinks (I mean, I grew up here. I know what it is. Doesn’t mean I’m automatically immune to it). The gutters flow underneath.

So that night we were walking (taking on the whole of Pasong Tamo extension) and we had come from an exhibit opening of an artist we’ve never heard of. We just happened to know that it was an exhibit, there was gonna be a lot of paintings, and the good old Pale Pilsen, red and white wine, and pichi pichi. Free.

Art galleries are good looking at art and learning for new things, but also for pictures and posin’ and such. Especially in this day and age of 1x1 instagram frames. The colors of paintings, against all that white, really just good look captured in digital. Makes you look smart, somehow, since it’s automatically more profound than some random cupcake or frappe.

The artist was an impressionist; his paintings were renderings of thick, sharp blobs and tubes emptied out onto the canvas; then teased with a stiff brush to form microscopic plateaus, or combed out into S curves with a metal thing. Pretty easy to dissect, and with about 20 of those things going on, we had a ball.

“What exactly is this supposed to be?”“You’re supposed, you know, to just stand in front and feel the first thing you feel.”“Oh. Well, I feel the anger and sadness in this one. See how heavy the paint is here? He dabbled as he was contemplating in between fits of jagged anxiety.”“I like this one, it’s brighter.”“Oddly all the strokes seems similar.”“They’re studies.”“Do you know that they’re serving red wine?”

We walked our way from there to the train, and actually we walked a little fast lest a snatcher creepeth behind us, and for good measure I brandished the good old pepper spray on my free hand. So that’s our transition  sequence, the part where the garage-rock score gets louder and we’re just smiling even though inwardly, we’re out of breath. That’s how we tell you, we’re either too young or too broke to drive. We do not run, it’s more of a sticky, hyper-walk thing (given the humidity, happens all the time). But the lights are not less dim and our laughter not less true.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

OK here goes:

- There will be endings in the coming months, but they're also my opportunities for beginnings.

1. Web contract will not be renewed.
2. I've been thinking of not accepting another season with ETC HQ / Etcetera as I need to finish school.
3. And so there's little else, besides.

So what do I do?

In the next three months, these are my goals. God help me achieve them:

1. Enlist in 9 units for my Masters class (so I can catch up)
2. Finances - get a writing job.
3. Work in FILMS (plural) - as writer or production assistant or what.
4. Start paying for a place of my own.
5. Figure out what I wanna do for the next period or so.

God, please please please help me to achieve these goals. :)

Wednesday, May 01, 2013


When I look back here, I marvel at how much is still pretty much intact. So - I need to make a point to update this with my journal entries (lately I've been taking to writing in a locked diary, on my macbook - a beautiful one, I love mac apps. BUT THE MACBOOK IS BROKEN. The damage is not undoable - just a broken flex cable and thankfully it's still under warranty! But it will take a coupla more weeks before I can get it back. So here I am on my old black notebook, and blogger, and a dim, eye-damaging LCD screen (my macbook has led bulbs. Hehe, I'm a mababaw convert).

I've recently been considering having this back up, i mean, in public, but not really because a) The more recent entries are some things which are potentially harmful to whatever social intricacies, romantic and platonic, I posses right now; and b) wala lang, not that anyone was hunting for my private thoughts anyway.


1. Weather is even more intolerable this year than it was last summer, if that is even possible. It's impossible to get a good, decent, sound night's sleep, and more so for my case - the light sleeper that I am, waking up at every sound, now coupled with the beads of sweat on my face and back. Altogether, discomfiting and irritable. Not good for starting the day right.

2. Picked a fight with him again last night because, IDK. I feel terrible but at the same time WHERE ARE WE GOING. I don't know where this dissatisfaction is coming from, although I'm pretty sure that it has loomed there in the horizon ever since, I've just been good at dismissing it and there was the trust of waiting for things to get better... I've been believing in that ever since and even now I think I can believe that, but now that belief is not so blind, it comes with an afterthought: how long will all of these last, really? I think I can only wait and hold out for so long. Age and other factors must be affecting this slightest of change of hearts... I am not sure how to confront it but I know we need to deal with it soon, before it's too late. It's the same thread of dark sticky sadness that has permeated the fights and disagreements of recent yore.

3. That up there sounds worrying. How to confront this, how to confront this, how to confront this?