I don't know if typing that out will do any good, except to admit that, yeah, i am feeling kinda bothered. but then: why am i feeling bothered? why complicate things when we're getting along so well? i have to get myself out of my "kilig dapat" mentality. this is not highschool. this is not a weird summer saga. i need a life, and i think i am getting it, so i should not create problems from thin air. :) just enjoy everything. masaya naman diba? malay mo getting over a heartbreak din siya. mwahehehe.

kaya sige na nga, wag na. muna. heehee.

wow... i am home again. :)and i can't believe that i am typing again. the internet connection at the caf near our dorm was really speedy, but i found it really challenging to type out all my thoughts. so nice to be home. has it been really a week? felt like i was already gone for a month. but back here, hardly anything has changed. i think. :) hehe. but i didn't expect to be so glad to be back for the weekend. maybe getting away did do a bit of good.

i am feeling very... free. no other word for it. :) but you'd think that i am talking about all the liberty i get to experience by being myself, right? well, yeah... that, of course... i feel great because at least i know now that i really can survive being on my own already. my parents were right after all, hehe, and i thank them all the more for it. :D the challenge to do everything well is fun, and i believe the decisions i made during this first week have been ok. :) haha.

also, i've been freed of that icky dilemma that's been haunting me all summer. the crush. hehe. i thought that when my proximity to him increases, i'd feel tortured all the more... but it's rather been like a real shocking series of wake - up calls. and i think i've finally woken up. haha. i've realized, it's not all that great after all. and i feel great that i feel that way now. so it really was just a crush after all, thank god. now things are less complicated. now i can focus on the more important things. :D

pero, that first wake-up call, that sudden outburst that i totally didn't expect - it really did hurt. a bit. but the memory is foggy now. haha. so there. babay. let's get on with getting along. haha. yehey.

maybe i'm just heady with my first taste of independence, ain't i? but i feel this is the start of bigger, better things.

always the optimistic. tsk, tsk. :D

i am back. :D not just here in marikina, but to who i really am. and should be. :D

In true kulasa fashion, i paid my dear old school a visit this afternoon. they were supposed to have screenings for the different clubs, and i wanted to watch the COMTAG auditions.it didn't push through because the preceding program took longer than expected, but i enjoyed being there anyway, seeing all my friends and clubmates. si Jessica, si Charot, si Ychanne, si Corneby, si Maggie at si Sarah. Ang aking beloved writing pool. si Ms. Garcia, si Sir Domingo (he gained definition. Ech! must be from all that badminton), all my other teachers (Sir Pascual is mean! hehe). Maggie had her hair rebonded (!) and she wears it down now. Sarah too. and i think she grew a bit taller. she was very pretty, hehe. :) for a while i felt like a senior again. it was such a giddy feeling. but the old adage was right: you can't go home again. :,(

they have a new directress, and everyone is singing praises for Sister Bernie. they say that she's way jollier than our old principal. and they say that she's into extra-curricular activities. read: more fun. read again: total opposite ni Sister Rebecca. what lucky scholasticans. hehe.

>>

Right now, my siblings and our choirmates are outside, playing and having a ball. better get used to the feeling. i try not to be bothered, but i am. i can't seem to get of the notion that they're doing it on purpose. somebody. nyak. what's that?! oh hell. hate it. hate them somewhat. argh. anyway.

>>

my face is breaking out. having my period sucks.

>>

the very first class i will go to in college is PE 2. hehe.

>>

Feeling a bit foolish for making such a fuss over that thing yesterday. naman naman. have to stop being so praning!

>>

Faye hung out with me today (she also went to school with me). I showed her my really messy room. hahaha. see, she hasn't been to my house in her entire lifetime, even though we've been "best friends" since fifth grade. she is, i think, the second best friend i met (after dana:D). she and i bonded because we're both "outgoing" and people people. get? hehe. and we've been through several thunderstorms too. we weren't very "best friend"-y last year though. she hung out with her group, i hung out with mine. but even though we don't talk for weeks or sometimes even months on end, whenever we go on the phone or talk after class, we just pick up right where we left off. and i love her for that. i yakked on her last night about all my worries and varied ka-praningans, and she managed to ease some sensibility into me. and she knows exactly how to define what i am feeling. hehe. i feel so lucky to have a friend like her (i've forgotten why i was feeling yucky moments ago!). sigh. :D

And they may be really simple, but when they come so sudden and so out of place, they can knock you out cold for quite a while and fool you into thinking things you shouldn't believe in in the first place.

crushing. what a terrible predicament.

Since last night, i think my head has been permanently suspended in clouds. but at least i was able to move around normally... i think. Darn it, why do i have to react this way anyway? it's absurd. sooo expected. sooo me. hehehe. it's all bad. it's all a joke. i wish i could really listen to those words. but my insides really won't cooperate. sigh. i better give in and admit outright:

@%^& $(, kinilig ako. wahehehe. ^_^

>>>

It's official: I've misplaced my high school diploma. i have no idea where it is. i left it sitting on my desk chair all summer while various types of clutter came and went on top of it, and when i finally got rid of the mess, the diploma was missing. the scratch papers and old piks and books were there, but no diploma. awrghsh. the worst thing that i could think of was that i accidentally threw it away. hoshit. no. that's impossible. i was very partial about what i threw away. i think it must be with mom's documents. gawd. i better check. or what if i brought to Laguna after all? oh dear. this is bad. of all things to lose. instead of getting better, i am getting worse. nyaykopo....

>>>

just found out that i can't activate MMS on my cellphone. my phone's not sold here in the Philippines, so the Sun people say that they don't have the config settings for it. Globe was able to find a solution. why can't they? how'll i send piks to everyone? darn. (I hope the computers at the net cafs at LB have infrared na lang.) hehe.

>>>

Finished Fruits Basket. *cry* still dazed. you may laugh. i really hate the denoument. wahhh....

>>>

....

what if?!

Shiver
Natalie Imbruglia

I walk a mile with a smile I don’t know I don’t care where I am
But I know it’s alright
Jump the tracks can’t get back I don’t know anyone around here
But I’m safe this time

Cos when you, tell me, tell me, tell me stupid things, like you do
Yes I, have to, have to, have to change the rules, I can’t lose

Cos I shiver, I just break up, when I’m near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver, I get bent up, there’s no way that I’ll know you’ll understand

We talk and talk around it all, who’d of thought we’d end up here
But I’m feeling fine
In a rush never trust you’ll be there, if I’d only stop
And take my time

Cos with you, I’m running, running, running somewhere I can’t get to
Yes I, have to, have to, have to change the rules, I’m with you

Cos I shiver, I just break up when I’m near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there’s no way that I’ll know you’ll understand

What if you get of at the next stop?
Would you just wait as I’m drifting off?
And if I never saw you again, could I, put all, of this, aside

Cos I shiver, I just break up when I’m near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there’s no way that I’ll know you’ll understand

I shiver, I shiver,
Cos I shiver, I just break up when I’m near you it all gets out of hand
Yes I shiver I get bent up there’s no way that I know you’ll understand


***

thank you. :)

till i head off to college. haha. i'm pretty late... most of my friends have begun classes already, and they have lots of stories already.

gonna go to st scho tomorrow to watch the Comtag screening. all right.

why am i so NOT psyched to post?

urgh.

The day before graduation my classmate (and soon to be dormmate!) Camille invited us over for her birthday party. Masaya, pero i was feeling guilty all throughout because i chose to go to the party than hang out with my barkada at the mall. I think they weren't really upset, but i guess what i did was pretty, well, un-friend like. Mrs. Mackay (Old adviser, mom of Redone, and sometime mom ko din :D) gave me a ride home (may kasama pa ngang tukso, hehe. oops!). That day Papa also came home. nyek. La lng.


me, vivi (syota!), jamie (teddybear!), at si lala.

This is probably a bad idea, because once school starts, i wouldn't get to blog regularly, since i wouldn't have a computer in my dorm. blogging, from being a daily vitamin, would have to become an indulgence. but i am starting college in a whole new world away from everything i grew up with. so i'd like to start chronicling whenever i can in a nice, blank blog - to signify change, the turning over of a new leaf. :D i am excited. really. despite what people keep telling me, i am determined to do really well. and do it all the right way. hehe. :)

I was on a very deep rut the past several weeks, with all these dark and poisonous thoughts blurring my perception of things. i was depressed. i am in a better mood right now, although my issues aren't exactly resolved yet. but i want to forget about them already! so here i am again, ignoring my 'problems'. but instead, i'd like to think that i don't consider them as problems anymore. right. haha. :) whatever.

i've been given a new sim card - sun. now i will be able to call my family often, and vice versa (although we do have a landline in the dorm, a call to manila is already charged long distance). it took us this long to jump into the sun bandwagon. i didn't actually think that we'd be getting sun lines after all. but now we do. hehe. and it rocks. i got to talk to Lilia last night. yay. (she's in Cebu.) If i do have a problem, it will be switching sim cards - ma wants me to give up my old globe sim (it's on my old phone right now). hmm. hmm.

****
Mama forwarded this really "shivery" story to me. read and ponder.

At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is
Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from
Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano
lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I
found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had
the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented
students.

However I've also had my share of what I call "musically challenged"
pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his
mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I
prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age,
which I explained to Robby.

But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear
him play the piano. So I took him as a student. Well, Robby began with
his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless
endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm
needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some
elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn.

Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and
tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always
say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed
hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from
a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick
him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons.

I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of
ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that
he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!

Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the
upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked
me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for
current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not
qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take
him to piano lessons but he was still practicing. "Miss Hondorf . . I've
just got to play!" he insisted.

I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe
it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying
that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high
school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put
Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the
students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he
would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage
his poor performance through my "curtain closer."

Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been
practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes
were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it.
"Why didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why
didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special
night?"

Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when
he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was
not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the
keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to
fortissimo. From allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that
Mozart demands were Magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his
age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and
everyone was on their feet in wild applause.


Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby
in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? "
Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Hondorf . .
remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed
away this morning. And well . . . she was born deaf so tonight was
the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special."

There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from
Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster
care, noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to
myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.



No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . .
of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil For it is he that
taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in
yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't
know why.



Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah
Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.