I'm in Marikina again, to "chill out" - which roughly translates to the following: catching up on my sleep, stocking up on groceries, and collecting my allowance and dorm rent. kumbaga sa cellphone, recharge. sa atm, deposit. sa racetrack, pitstop. what happened to missing the family and everything? hm. cge na nga. hehe. joke. but give me a break. :D

I really owe a lot to my family, and i do love them all to death... i guess it's just inevitable that since i'm away much of the time, i'd start feeling alienated, i guess. isa pa... i never got any admiration from this family... eldest though i am, i was the one looked down upon the most... i never fulfilled any of their criteria for worthy people... my sibs are all like my parents: matigas, self-thinkers, un-emotional, practical, hardoworking, athletic, idealists. whereas i am bohemian, out-of-the-box, happy go lucky, lazy, and terribly romantic. and that fucking undying pa-cute issue. so i never measure up. i always trip and fall and look clumsy and uncoordinated. i am slightly ill in the head. even ahlee, for all of mama's rants about her, commands high esteem simply because we know she'll never ever back down for anyone. why am i not like that? but i don't really want to be like that, either... outside this house, i am very fine with who i am, really. sabi ko nga, for all my so-called eccentricities, i am very simple compared to them. madali lang ako pasayahin. hindi ko masyado prinoproblema ang mga bagay sa mundo. i live in the now. i fall in love all the time. i am not that into religion. sorry for being imperfect.

so for the longest time i've been trying to reach out and please them all, in their ways, pero i never really do it right. College was a pleasant surprise... along with the newfound freedom (!) i found out that i can make decisions for myself pala, and get away with it. ung tipong walang complications. Ngayon ko lang talaga nararamdaman na may halaga din ako, na kung ano ako, without their puppet strings, i am ok. yeah. diba? i do owe part of who i am to them. and they're all fun to be with. i love my family. but i'm tired of thinking that i am less of a person than they all are.

so i guess that's why i'm always trying to look for attachment elsewhere. why i am too into certain things. why my imagination runs too vivid sometimes. i'm looking for something i haven't had yet. i'm learning to find it... in the right place, i hope. but who knows? i might be wrong again. it's too ridiculous to hope to much. hehe. pero so what? i think i'll just enjoy what i have for now.

nyak. akala ko ba ako ung taong walang drama sa buhay? hehe. tapos ito. nyeh.

>>>><<<<

I got one item on my list of wild things to do ticked off last thursday!!! astig, sobra! kahit medyo sabla ok lng! ang saya! nakaka-high! :D key words : freshmeat, guitar, jammers, mel, me being bangag :), lb sqaure, crowd, e string, fire, bulong, saya. pramis. :D

my dream was very disturbing.

sniff... biglang naiba ung progile ng littlest brother ko sa friendster... he's growing up na nga... sniff sniff. :,(

.

Isn't it perfect? I saw it the mall last Sunday and Bolle was feeling particularly generous that afternoon, so now i have a frog prince. harum harum harum. he's perfect. :D If only he turns into a real prince when i kiss him. heehee. :D

i can't believe it's already thursday... does time really fly that fast? and yet so many things have happened too...

I want more.

trust me to start blogging about my trivial melodramatic typical life on the afternoon of GMA's state of the nation address... i'm not really 100% culpable, though, because classes weren't called off here in this public university at the foot of a legendary mountain (or is it a volcano?). also, the tv at our floor's still broken. "still" - despite all evidence against its eventual repair i am optimistic. :)

according to the newspaper 41% of the nation expects to hear lies on the SONA. what else do we expect? I say, let her finish her nauseaous speech, then fire a bullet straight to her chest. but no, that would lead to more trouble and confusion. everything's so sick in this lose-lose situation. nothing that can be done will lead to good. it makes one want to resort to not caring altogether! but really, what do we do? i say she should resign. whatever. bleargh.

>>>

it's been a while since i've been hit by "inspiration" - that heady, floaty feeling that lasts me hours and churns out new songs and words and reconstructed tops and new jewelry. i guess i've been too busy enjoying my reality for a change. ^_^ this weekend was very productive for me - a finished song and one in the works! :) and some new necklaces. heehee. i feel accomplished when i complete anything with my own hands - kinda makes me feel that i have power. haha. but the song - it's different. i wrote it from my heart, and it's all about all those thoughts that have been racing through my head recently... i don't know where they came from, and it scares me sometimes that i even think those things. argh. whatever. i hope too much. i want too much. i think too much.

>>>

you have to read this. this got me inspired too. waiters are the new wise cab drivers. :D proof that superheroes really are alive and well among us, and they don't need extrasensory abilities to save lives. so if they can do it, why can't the rest of us? :) hm. i wonder if i've been someone's hero lately? yuck. kapal. hehe. my superhero of the moment is...

...

...

help me!

...

i can't believe that i am kind of wishing i had my old life back. i was a lot more ignorant, but so much more secure. sigh.

funny how, when the most fantastic of things happen, i am not up to blogging about it... pero i will try, ok? :)

6 cycle mind came to uplb last thursday, for our so-called freshman night (hosted by one of the frats)(i know you manila people will scoff, "Isa lang?!", hehe)... the turn-out wasn't great (the people filled up only half of baker hall), nakornihan ung iba, pero ok lng. ang saya. wild performance. chuck was hot! hehe. ambait pa. :) ganda pa ng gitara nia.

hayayayayay. :)

before the show, the host was giving out free cds to people who would come up the stage and answer his questions or do things he'd tell them to do. I was horsing around, nakiki-raise ng hand kapag nagtatawag ng tao at kunwaring tumatakbo sa stage, pero someone would always beat me to it... tapos biglang nung huling tanong ("sinong makakakanta nung theme song ng Jam88.3?"), hala, ako na lang pala ung nagtaas ng kamay. kaya hayun. sintonado, pero sikat naman. may free cd pa. :) buti na lng hindi nakita ni dadi. i would just die...

sino?

c dadi...

:) - tama ba un?!!

ewan.

i remember being so vehemently against these... things, just before school started... i remember all those resolutions and promises to myself not to do anything bad, and prove them all wrong... i'm not exactly off the deep end yet, but my resolve, it seems, really is weak. i don't know why i keep letting things happen. where will this lead anyway? ano ba talaga? and then there's the fact that it really does not seem to be that bad after all. ang saya nga eh. kaya un. so mali pala ako? nakoh... there i go again... but this time, can being wrong finally be a good thing? help me!

sus, bakit ba ako namromroblema? diba dapat ineenjoy ko na lng? ewan!

i'll have to think of a reason for that title. hehe.

Angeline's home! I will be meeting up with her for lunch. sigh. :) we have sooo much to talk about. when she left for London a few years ago, i thought that we'd eventually drift apart, but thanks to modern (and not so modern) technology, we've been able to stay, well, conscious of each other. heehee. and we're gonna be with some of our old classmates too, so it's bound to be fun. i foresee a super afternoon in the horizon. :) sigh. :) the perks of college and living away... now that saturdays are extra-special for me, ma has been more lenient. hehe. i'd like to prove to her that i deserve it.

it might be too presumptuous to make a declaration this early, but i've never had such a fantastic time in my entire life as i am having now. i've had lots of "high" moments in the past of course, but everything that's been happening recently... hehe. it's all good. i can't help wishing that things stay this way forever. but then again, who knows? things could get even better. hehe. i guess i am just really overwhelmed that all my expectations have been exceeded and that my fears weren't verified. hehe. enough gushing! ;p

...

we got lost again. oh my dear. :) funny how paradoxical it seems: lost, but found. home. nyehehe. whatever.

...

got to know some more people better this week: another Paul from my eng1 class, who turned out to be on the same linguistic aura as I, and a drama king (peace! hehe). but i appreciate that he's been really open and stuff. i think, here is a guy i can count on for the kind of morose, over-analytical conversations like i used to have with Mariz. nhux. :) Dino, who treated me to a blue book! haha. and Kaloy. It seems that people were especially vulnerable this week, ready to spill their stories to a random classmate. but the leap was worth it; it's new friends on my part. :) hehe.

camille and i passed the Jammers audition! yay. it feels wonderful, but i don't think i'll be pursuing the next stage of auditions. may kupalan daw. i don't want to get involved in an org yet. hm.

Acel (former Moonstar88 frontwoman) was at vega last thursday. Mel and I were standing at the sides and Acel looked and grinned at us! nhux. super astig. :) the event was part of a YOF service. i only went to see Acel.

we had no electricity at the dorm last tuesday night (again!), so we freshies got into a wild game of 123pass... i was one of the more powdered people, hehe. sobrang saya. then we dared each other to buy isaw at raymundo while our faces were still talc-white. talk about trip! hehe. we got quite a few weird looks, and several screaming kids, and whispers from the first-floor people, but what the heck. ang saya. i think we all became tighter after that. and we have a new collective nickname: Phoebe's crew. she's one of the older people on our floor, and we all think she rocks. our other older floormates find it funny for some reason. i think they think that we idolize her or something. nyahahaha.

last night was bucasan night for the palacasan. went there to see ronald do his gimik (he joined the pageant) - - . hahaha. he was hilarious. he won't get mercy from me. hehe. :D tapos, may mga panira. nyahaha. pero belat. you won't get anywhere na. hahahahaha. i am so darn crazy. whatever. hehe.

:: :: :: :: :: :: p i k s ! ! ! :: :: :: :: :: ::



one of the random sketches i've been making... i hope jemie's really serious about me designing her wedding gown in the future! :)


my bed at the dorm. danna and i have been keeping our room really tidy. :)

>>>july 17.

the afternoon was fun, albeit i was exhausted and my wallet was drained of its contents. we posed for piks... i looked horrible. nuff said.

ever felt that something about to happen was so right, even though practically everything seems to be against its realization?! sigh. buhay nga naman, kapag minamalas ka!!!! :(

i got a really major haircut again. eep.

parang cookies and cream, hehehehe. and it outer part looks like a large live human heart. now i wonder why it was called dragon fruit? :)

that's it for today. will not ramble. i refuse to admit that i am a loser. wahehehehehehehehe. ;D

shit talaga.

I've been hit by that old Krista bug, the one that keeps gnawing at things and makes a big deal over, well, nothing. procrastinating (err, scratch that. i think i'm doing everything on schedule, hehe. out of boredom). but the anxious feeling... it's so persistent. i don't know why i got it into my head anyway, and now i can't get it out. all that fantasy shit. sheesh. kainis!!! i told myself i should stop dreaming... haha. oh, now look what you've done to me. a few hours, and i'm cracking up. a total basketcase. nababaliw nanaman. hay. and now i don't have a guitar or a keyboard to turn all the angst into something else... hmm... i don't know if that'll help, though, i might get too distracted. tsk tsk.

lintik na buhay to. hehe. but why am i so impatient anyway? as if naman, diba. hahahaha. i sound crazy.

I'm supposed to make ahlee a palanca and a character sketch, but i'm really just not up to it, even though she's already gonna have her retreat on the fifteenth... i mean, hello, when and where will i make them? but i have to. the character sketch i will be making has a major possibility of being her final yeabook sketch (for the sake of propriety she's supposed to ask her friends to make her one too, but i mean hello, i am not her super writer sister for nothing, hehe), and the palanca, of course, should be special. i hope i get momentum tonight, or at least a tiny bit of inspiration to rev me up (like a hello text message, maybe?). darn. that just had to come out. shit.

i went to the infirmary yesterday for my root canal, but after two hours we were only halfway done (i thought i missed my eng2 class, but celia said that Ma'am Car didn't show up. nhux, diba?:D). The root was stunted, probably due to the erroneous orthodontics i went through. my ortho was also the reason why i'd have to get root canals here in the first place - she can't do them. bad trip. it wasn't as painful as i anticipated - i was on very strong anaesthesia - but i felt so sick and so sleepy afterwards. i think i'm also developing a cold. or maybe this is all psychological? in any case, it would've been neat of someone was concerned. nyaykopo!!! :(

i must stop thinking about it... :D happy happy happy... dapat. awr. awr. AWR.

DARN. we're back to being miserable lonely bloggers. tsk tsk tsk. let's hope that this is temporary (please, please magparamdam ka naman... hahahahahahahaha)

Is it possible to believe in God but not in your faith? The rudiments of faith, after all, were just created by all those visionaries. i have this idea maybe we all just believe in one thing, and we just differ in interpretation. haha. i used to think that i'd either be 1) totally indifferent, or 2) blindly religious. now i'm all skeptical. haha. whatever. I was trying to imagine that maybe there is no god after all, pero i always feel THE FORCE (tse, parang Star Wars. haha). something... someone... is out there, watching me. ewan. So i pray, but i ask god, "Where are you?". I hope i get the answer eventually.

I wouldn't wonder this much, anyway, if not for my Philo and SocSci classes. I didn't expect them to be that interesting. I'm not condoning my highschool education (I am rather grateful for it!). But i'm coming to realize that i've been really, REALLY ignorant about so many things. inosenteng - inosente ang dating ha. :) pero un na un.

***

I can't help it. I hate it when i am like this. I hate it when i feel all angsty. when i start feeling desperate. nyah. napakakomplikado. what happened to the "let's just enjoy this" thing? now i can't stop worrying. and when i worry, trouble arrives. and i usually make it up. wah. hate it. should stop talking to myself!!!

***

mahirap ung masyado natutuwa. kasi kapag bumagsak ka, super sapol...

***

Galing kay Ipe: "Falling in love is like cigarettes... when you're near one, it's easy to think of a million reasons to smoke... and you forget the one reason why you shouldn't."

I'm in the midst of a faith crisis right now. I've temporarily stopped praying. that's bad for a true-blue Scholastican. But then, i have a hard time regarding that as a bad thing these days. what's happening to me? but the weird thing is, things have never been better. i think. i used to care a lot about certain things, but now i am indifferent to them.

I don't have problems right now. Or is it just that i have stopped worrying about the things i usually worry about?

psycho. sheesh.

...

I attended a non-Catholic service last night. my first. Paul took me. He asked, kasi daw wala siya kasama. its just so happens that i was all alone - Anne, Camille, and Danna went home right after classes. ok. it wasn't really a service... parang bible study siya. I've always been curious about how other people go about with their religion (ok, brash. sorry). And it was nice. on the surface, it's not much different from what i hear from my own church. and the program was entertaining - especially the shadow play. And the people are really nice. So even if it wasn't what i expected, i had a good time. It gets me wondering about all these barriers. About my faith. wahh. of all times. Are we really all that different? hmm. I also wonder: *** ****** **** *** ********* ********* *****? hehe. what a thought.

****

Tapos kanina... i had a really wacky morning. wahhh!!! we got totally confused around the Araneta. dun pa, of all places! Sobrang naguluhan ako. pero know what? i had a blast. hehe. ang saya eh. kahit hindi kami masyado nagdaldalan. ayun. too many details. hehe.

...

what the hell is happening? :s

I have butterflies in my stomach.

Gumagana na ang MMS ko! yehey... :) that took some figuring out... pero i am glad i can send piks na... :D hayun. :)

failed an ENG1 pop quiz. kainis. if only i wasn't too busy... awrgh!

homework.

food.

frogs (this should be the least of my worries, but i can't help it).

money.

argh!

camera shy (right before my distant cousin's wedding, will post other piks later because i ran out of credit! tsk tsk. :))
One of my favorites. la lng. love the lighting. ;p think i can become a photographer? :) (this took several shots before i got it right)
laid-back... wahehehe. oh no, it's that bootylicious shirt again. i always get caught wearing it on photos. save me... :)
this is a frog. my dormmate camille decided to christen it as the voodoo of - who else?! :) hehe. kinda fitting, too. will he finally turn into the prince i've been waiting for? or will he turn out to be a warty toad like all the others? hehe. nhux. gack... why am i making such a mess out of this?!! may voodoo pa ngayon. sheesh. i told myself i'll stop thinking of it THAT WAY and just start enjoying it. like kanina. yeah, like kanina. suz. :D whutever.

Maybe... if he were nicer, maybe, i wouldn't be like this. i wouldn't feel so pathetic for running after him (gack! am i really doing that?) i wouldn't feel so desperate. hoshit. bakit ko ba pinipilit gawing problema to... wake up nga. taena. stop dreaming. stop stop stop STOP!

kinda disgusting, the way i act sometimes.