this has been an afternoon of mixed emotions. lotsa disappointments. (why are the keyboard keys sticking? ugh.) the whole thing has been a silly race with no finish line in sight. we just stopped running. walked out. fucking losers. heehee. don't i just love it. this super-ambitious dream of mine to be something, be anything, to belong, and to stand out all at once. lousy. lousy. lousy. why is it that i can never get any of my wonderful plans done? it's always like this. i always end up giving up. backing out. returning. never getting any nearer. i hate it. i hate myself. i hate them, heehee. haha. yikes. whatever. where will i go? what should i do? i don't want to stay in our room. i want to be out, laughing. talking. performing. argh. my feet are killing me, too. isn't that so nice? so what does this make of me? good for nothing. shit. i feel like such a failure. such a loser. soo... me. hehe.

no wonder i am gaining weight. :D

I am rereading my old blog, and i found this post i wrote a few weeks before i came to Los Banos. Guess what? I am back in that rut. yikes.

Try to understand this: Although I am capable of being very emotive of my problems, i don't take myself seriously. when i occasionally drown in a miasma of self-deprecation, loneliness, bad habits, and plain old depression, my inner Emily throws up and snaps: "Quit bawling and get on with your perfect life." On the other hand, when my usually perky self finds something to be happy about, like clothes or a text message, i hear a little nasal voice inside me quip: "How fickle. What about world peace?" As a result, i end up downplaying whatever situation i find myself in, and repressing too many necessary outbursts. (very bad for the heart).

right now i am mightily confused with who -and what - I am: my beliefs, ideals, my fashion sense, how i get along with other people. i am feeling, acting, and thinking out of my erstwhile "character". I am changing. Growing up?!

Problem is there's this part of me that doesn't want to change - the one who had high ambitions and who worked extremely hard all througout highschool to gain everything i am proud of right now. she's saying: "Do you want to throw it all away then?" that part of me had ideals and morals that were straight and preconceived as "good", and i liked it that way. that's the kind of person who will attain perfection and become a winner. that's the one everybody likes.

i don't know how it happened, but another part of me is starting to gain ground: the one who thinks this world sucks, and that i am a pathetic dweeb. the one who wants to get out of here and stop pleasing other people to feel happy. the one who looks for gratification in all the wrong places. the one who has all the questions that no-one could answer; the one who's wondering if she'll find them in the things the former wanted to avoid. the one i don't want to be, and who the people around me don't want me to become, either.

then there's me, here, helplessly going through this jekyll-and-hyde dilemma, desperate, confused. sentido kumon dictates me to stick with Krista # 1, but the recent harrowing, eye-opening circumstances in my life are proving otherwise: it's ridiculous to be uppity and self-righteous in this world. All this worry boils down to my fear of being called "weak" - my family granted me that moniker and i am so darn determined to prove them wrong . I don't want to be called weak anymore and i want to quit giving in to what people say about me. i want to genuinely like myself regardless of what people think. on the other hand, i still feel that succumbing to my "feel-good" tendencies is a symptom of weakness too. wah. it's driving me NUTS. i have yet to reach a conclusion, and i've already stopped functioning well in society, not to mention i am schizo and paranoid and cynical (meaning this thing is thankfully coming to a close because i am beginning to feel very foolish).

The term 'bored' is sadly overused, but i find that it's better to say that you have nothing better to do than to admit outright that you are slightly ill in the head.

i really suck at thinking up titles.

i've posted several times this week and i forgot to blog about my new layout, which was made by the Über-talented (not to mention kind, pretty, and astig!) ychanne.... she prefers to be called ysh or yshi or whatever nowadays, and you can find her link on the links page (just click on one of the words at the right). so yshi, thanks mucho. again and again and again. :) heehee.

more on the glamorous exit i did the other day... i wasn't really up to going to that concert, because 1) i was trying to save my allowance (trying my foot), 2) i wasn't really a gung-ho mymp fan (nor hale's, for that matter), and 3) i knew that certain amphibians were going to be there with their friends, and, er, girls. eew. i sound like such a pathetic jealous loser... which is probably true (except for the jealous part...)

so there we were, stranded for like an hour outside baker hall, literally hugging total strangers (the concept of an organized queue was alien to the organizers). our condition hardly improved when we got in, and while standing there listening to the soundcheck, i thought of how foolish i must look, and how sleepy i am, and famished to boot. my original plan was to go out back for a while to grab some air, but when i saw them , i just inwardly freaked out, went on full dweeb mode, and left. there went my hundred+. i was just relieved to be home. i guess i didn't want them to see me hanging out there by myself, looking like i was stood-up, or spying on them, or whatever. and the option of going back to the crowd didn't appeal to me anymore. i guess i was just paranoid. and then, while i was at the net caf, he was texting and he was all like "momy..." (eew) and i thought that that was just so absurd, because, hello, he already has his brand-new girlfriend (yeah, sila na nga.). yikes. i don't want to discuss this anymore. i am not even his ex. i was just a stupid idealist with all the wrong notions going on in my head... enough self-deprecation. my dormmates arrived home 2 am and they really loved the show. good for them. :D

i do not know what to think of the performance we are planning to pull off on wednesday... half of me really, really wants to be involved and get high and all, but i also know well enough that we are simply not prepared. we do not have a concrete script right now, even. holy moly. but then again, why not? :D heehee. whatever. another thing - i can't help but feel like we are such outsiders, little green aliens from barya's class barging into dumlao's plans at the last minute. yikes. napasubo talaga kami. pero bahala na. dumlao is really cool. wala lang. :D

today i got only two hours of sleep, and prior to my tapsilog dinner, three packs of fita lasted me the whole day. amazing. kaya ko pala un. but i was literally nodding off during philo. it didn't occur to me to drink coffee - - i don't feel that dependent on it anymore. and it stunted me, or so my mom says. whatever. so why did i get only two hours of sleep? we stayed up late last night because it was ate star's birthday. and we had drinks. whee. ayun. so i gave in after all. no point fighting it anymore. but i so don't feel guilty. how's that? everything i believed in before setting foot here has really gone down the drain. i really have such a warped perception of this world. i have to get rid of it.

why, i haven't done a blow-by-blow account like this for ages. :) but i'll stop here.

this afternoon i had one of the most illuminating conversations i've had for a long, loong time. it rarely happens that i hear people saying my thoughts out loud. thanks, guys. :)

there's nothing wrong with being in a net caf when it's almost ten, but something's really terrible with you if you are in the net caf when you paid at least a hundred bucks to go see a hale and mymp concert - which, incidentally, you've just walked out on.

alright.

I can't believe i forgot to blog about this! :D I really had to see this movie; when i was in grade school and my life was less complicated, i usually went through books by author: this month it would be enid blyton, next it would be ann m. martin, and so on. my roald dahl phase was one of my most favorite - all of his books that i got to read left something wonderful and warm inside of me. :) Danny the Champion of the World, The Witches (this was more sinister) James and the Giant Peach, Boy, etc. And Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was everyone's favorite. :D

I didn't have the privilege to see the original movie (which starred Gene Wilder) like my sister Ahlee did. according to her, the original had less humor and was more glowy and awe-inspiring. Johnny Depp is Johnny Depp. enough said. his lines were funny, but dark.:D CG's were predictably great - just look at what they did with the Oompa Loompas and the violet Violet :) favorite parts: the song numbers by the Oompa Loompas, and Willy Wonka's appointment with his dad. I'm way past the stage of dreaming i'd inherit a chocolate factory too, so the movie was simply a diversion, and a retrospect of the beginnings of my literary journey. :)

Last book i finished: The Only Girl In The Car by Kathie Dobie - which on one hand was a wonderful book on awakening, but on the other hand was the memoir of a girl gone wrong who let her hormones dominate her. then she got lucky and turned out right in the end. heehee. :D


whenever you feel me slipping away, then that's when you should hold me tight.

Brendan Benson. He's a band, he's a person. Get it? :D I am currently seriously considering getting his CD. :)

>><<

my wonderful teachers have all decided to cancel my classes today. i could've gone home earlier if i took the bus, but camille offered a free ride home. how could i resist? :D feels nice that i wouldn't be rush-rush and so tired on saturday morning. especially now that i have a midterm exam on math1, plus a paper and an art project to be submitted on monday. whew. heehee. if only every friday i could get to go home, ayt? or i could just wake up earlier on saturdays, if only i didn't have that "arrangement" with... yeah. hay. it really makes me rethink everything i've been doing... tsk tsk tsk.

I really don't have the heart to get all hurt over that, because there really is nothing to be hurt about. besides, if i am entitled to it, isn't he, too? it just feels strange, i guess. funny even. awkward is more like it. i can't decide on how i should react. wah. wah. see? we're not even close. yikes. ewahn!!!

this blog is so boring. hehe

Not so long ago, I remember being so excited about college, and promising to update this blog on all the so-called "wonderful" things that will happen to me. as it turns out, one could get tired of endless rants or raves after all. wala lng. it all seems mightily fickle now. but sometimes i find myself longing for the almost-therapeutic outpouring of thoughts and the clackety-clack of the keys. but when i hop over the the net caf, the pathos dies out. too much reality. what happened to my fairytale? tsk tsk. :(

i don't like him that much anymore. i don't know what happened. remember that thing about me falling out so easily? but i can't figure out what he did this time. and it's not like i'm eyeing someone else either... i guess i just can't help comparing him with other people. why did i like him anyway?! why? heehee. babaw, no? these days, he's just another classmate... but i still have that moniker... and people still think otherwise. shit. what a mess. must get out. must change. me or him? wah. another thing - i SO don't feel like myself when i am with him. and i hate it. and i don't know why i am like that. shit. ewan. hey blog, help this deranged wimp. cruel world. nasaan ang pag-ibig. teka lang. why am i looking for love anyway? huh? ewan! bakit nga ba?!! STOP STOP STOP!

we're talking again, but it's not the same, at least for me, and i can't really help it. :( and i'm gonna tell myself again for the hundredth time: stop imagining. be happy.

am i happy? :)

i just wish i could really talk, and be crazy... be more me, whatever that means.

yan ang napapala ng padalus-dalos.

haha. i really am not ready for all this. :) i sound like a major dweeb!!!! :)


...

...


finally met inah face to face. neat. :) la lng.


hwahehehehehe.

yay! another item ticked off my list of things to do. that day was really fun, although in retrospect i shouldn't have worn the CAS shirt. I spotted about ten different people wearing it too - guys and girls alike. heehee. but i've proven i can do it. wear a miniskirt, that is. :) and it's my first real splurge on an item of clothing - but i so don't regret it. man, i need to exercise more self control or i'll always end up short on cash. heehee. hayun. it's a small victory for the girl who couldn't wear anything above the knee before... I was always so self-conscious. it's not like my body's perfect now - far from it!-but i'm learning that i can accept it and love it for what it is. and it can look darn good if i want to. :) yabang , no? la lng. pagbigyan...

i so need to give up on being such a loser and such a hopeless miserable case. hm. la lng. i hate it. i'm hating myself for hating it. hehe. whatever. ang gulo talaga! hindi ko alam gagawin. parang indignant ako dahil napakaprejudiced ng taong iyon, pero nagaalala rin ako na baka hindi na bumalik sa dati ang lahat... hmm! ewan ko! bakit ba ako namromroblema?! ha? bakit ba talga? pak. la lng. ewan!!!! >.< nababaliw na ako.

Patay na si Roco. there goes one of the brighter politicians, both in mind and in apparel. may he rest in peace and have his paradise in Hawaii - to match his shirts. :)

my Math1 teacher brought an amateur (read: new freshman din siya) tarot card reader to our class yesterday, because she brought him up on our discussion about pseudo-sciences and his readings and interpretations are known to be eerily accurate... he read for two of my classmates, and i think he's cool - he really has the whole seer thing down pat - with matching jokes, gesticulations, at kung anu-anong ka-kenkoyan. hehe. i just might stalk him one of these days to schedule a session... nyeh? wala lng. on second thought, wag na lng siguro... tama na iyang paniniwala sa kung anu-ano... kung saan-saan ako naidadala... hehe

reach out, reach out, reach out. :D

i stayed in elbi for the weekend. i thought i'd do some serious schoolwork. progress? nyeh. i've been doing other things all day. pero mas relaxed ako... and i didn't have to ride the bus alone... actually i should be typing my Socsci paper. harumph. :D

this whole thing needs to be cleared up. should i stay, or should i go?

where the hell are you?!!

so.darn.complicated. tapos biglang this is it daw o.

still can't help being so idealistic.

hay.

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York
Hospital. - daw, and i am supposed to forward it to a hundred other people or something, but i decided to post it here instead. it's a very pretty poem. :D

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.


>> i have a feeling i've read this somewhere before...

>><<

I am a mess, a freak, a stupid bludgeoning ass. hehe. i think i just messed everything up BIG TIME. What the fuck will i do? i hate it when i type expletives. but i just feel so, so pissed off at my stupid no-good idiotic self. Loser. wahhh!!!

it doesn't seem all that bad really... but what if something changed already? you know? or maybe i am just paranoid. what if there was nothing to begin with -

hoshit. here i go again. nothing's clear, and i am already making my own stupid assumptions. look where it takes me. down down down.

but it's kind of gotten to the point, that, i simply cannot imagine letting go anymore...

is it that bad, really?

is this it?

is this what i think it is?

Enicola's right. my perception of the whole danged thing is still soooo... immature.

i have a long way to go.

wait, wait, wait.

i hate it.

i can't say it.

i don't know if i even feel it.

do I?

DO YOU?

fuck.

>>

I am kind of disgusted with myself. i mean, why do i worry about such selfish things anyway? i live in such a small, fickle world. my concerns revolve around mundane things. emotion. pleasure. i hardly care for the rest of the world. i wasn't like this before. i used to dream of saving the world. but being too nice and too diplomatic has been really frustrating. my dreams seemed to be going nowhere. and i've been living such a cushy existence. so now that i am out here, i don't know what to do. what to say. what to think. what to feel. darn. hate it.


I wish i were going home this weekend after all.