sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

Last night my dormmates Mildred, Ira, and I were talking about stuff that were deeper than the usual topics of our crushes, music, and each other. we were talking about our faith. Mildred and I are catholics by baptism, while Ira is Mormon.

Ira was brought up catholic too, but she was recently baptized Mormon, because she was influenced by her brother. I envy the sure way she talked about the scriptures, even if i did not agree on all of the things that they believed in.

Funny thing is, i studied in a prominent catholic school for twelve years, but i have so little to say about my faith. yes, it was very significant to me, and it was very much a part of my life, but that was because it was more part of our school activities and lessons than it was actually very significant to me. Now that i am enrolled in a public university, and faith is not integrated into my classes because we're all different here, i do not find myself that compelled to remember to pray everyday, or to talk about God, or whatever.

for example: my current inner turmoil over my morality. there have been recent circumstances that i didn't expect to happen. it was something i thought would NOT be inevitable, because i believed that i would refuse, or that nobody would be as imposing. but it happened, and i was very much aware of it happening, but i didn't do anything to stop it. why? well, that's for another blog entry. it has something to do about that icky four-letter word that rhymes with dove... but anyway. that was supposed to be wrong. i was supposed to feel guilty. but i DON'T WANT to feel guilty. so i go thinking, why do i think i should feel guilty anyway? my conscience, which was molded by my so-called faith. and then i go wondering whether this faith is really the RIGHT faith. then i go thinking, right? what's right anyway? and i end up thinking in circles and going crazy because i have no idea how to judge things anymore.

this should have been an oppurtunity for me to be very adamant about my faith, like what the people who have been joining charismatic orgs are doing. but i end up being warped and destroyed and fickle. whah.

I am actually quite enlightened on the fundamentals of my faith, and i still have the conviction that the religion i belong to really is true and worth believeing in. it's just me, feeling, seeing, knowing so much all at once. at the back of my head there is this voice that knows i will eventually snap out of all this and know what to do.

soon, i hope.

>><<

Mildred is inviting me to join Gabriela Youth.

Me, an activist?

I want to join, because i want to experience. i want to learn. i want to start things. i want to have a conviction. i want to care. i want to have a stand. i want to help make things happen. i want to be noble. but see, my reasons for joining (if i will!) are just still all about me. as i've mentioned before, i am practically apathetic about politics and human rights. and i pine for chivalry. i am materialistic, as indicated by my fashionista tendencies. i am wrong. i am lazy.

but if i remain seated here wallowing in my personal problems, i really won't get anywhere further than typing pathetic self-deprecating entries on my online journals.

mildred's advice: just come, and you will see what I mean.

so i really might attend the meeting on monday.

ralllies, here i come.

>><<

I wore a big bandana, sarong style, over my white shirt and jeans yesterday. the compliments and stares were worth it. XD finally. >><<

our bloc shirt rocks!!! even if rochelle can't get over the so-called "grammatical lapse", and even if my blocmates really don't attend bloc meetings (but they all showed up yesterday, because we have a bloc shirt).

I scored more than a couple of times this week on ukay clothes. i am in heaven. :D

the feminist gods are probably cursing me in their heaven right now, because of how warped and how typical and how lenient and how, how, how weak i am.

i know i should not accept this and let this turn into a bigger and stickier problem... but i am so tired of pushing for what's right all the time. having my parents on my back 24/7 is sickening. having everyone watching me like a hawk and forbidding me to do what i want - that really just sucks.

i feel miserable.

i have such a low level of self-worth right now. is this the way it' supposed to be? i didn't expect to feel so... empty.

so wrong.

but what's wrong, what's right anyway?

enough of this...

i'm tired of listening and feeling guilty for feeling nice about something.

why can't i just be left alone?

Right now I am feeling a bit ok, but yesterday I was feeling depressed. as if that's new.

I have no identity. Isn't that sad? All along i have been trying to be something good and something perfect, but somebody elso always beats me to it. i am never best. i am always just a copycat, even if i got there first. i...

shit, man.

wala lang. it's just that everything i do is never good enough. all my decisions are wrong.

so, so, so, sick of this.

and then there i went, imagining that all i needed was a knight in shining armor...

but as it turns out, chivalry has long been dead really. what i've been seeing, feeling, has merely been - what? lust? shallow, temporary solutions?... basta. nothing real.

no, no, no - he hasn't broken my heart yet. it's just me, wondering, why the hell did i do that, let him be that close and stuff, when i am not that into him, and i have no idea why he's like that. i mean, why me? right?

or am i destroying something nice? am i killing something without giving it a chance?

curse this world.

i can't find references about frida kahlo in our library!

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

>> But really, I'd rather stay inside this idyllic dream for a while longer. If only to ignore everything mucky and unpleasant in this world. if only to get to feel only the things i want to feel. if only to be with people i want to be right now, even if not forever. if only to feel that warm all the time... especially at night... when it's too cold to sleep alone... if only i don't have to worry about what others think. if only i could do everything i feel like doing. if only i can have everything. if only you could be here right now. to stop me and destroy everything i believed in. isn't that so sad? i am now so willing to be wrong. but who says i am wrong anyway? :) them? who are they? what do they know? does them being older imply that they know better about what i am going through? what is this? why do i want it? argh. shit man. I need answers. i need a hug. mwahehehehe. come here.

stay.

:)

I need to find an infrared device that's compatible with my phone... i really need to upload all those piks.

i had a fever last night, and i was feeling utterly horrible, but nevertheless, i still watched a required film at the ansci, and even went out for dinner with ferdie. i missed my socsci class these morning. i am still feeling kind of sick actually. pero ok lng.

i don't know what's gonna happen next.

sheesh.

i need to be more serious.

I am so lost. but then again, why worry. who cares.

who fucking cares.

(warning: this is one of the usual rant posts, krista-style. expect nothing but, well, nothing. utter brainlessness. it's one of those days... :D)

i arrived home way earlier than usual today, and it really made all the difference. haha. :) i even got to watch the comtag rehearsals (and help out with making some props!)at my old school. i miss comtag. the new members are all really talented , and very hardworking. and they all seem to be having a blast. they really seem to be getting things done. i wish i'd had the same experience during my time... but i can't say my comtag moments sucked... in fact... i miss being involved in such "magarbo" affairs like theater. i miss brainstorming for the scripts. and everything else. hehe. i miss the people. i miss...???
>><<
my current issues:

1. my body (i really am getting fat. i wonder why it's such a big deal. it didn't matter before. hah. karmic kickback, big time).

2. money. i am having a hard time budgeting my allowance. spendthrift girl gone wild. i need to wise up.

3. my pathetic POV on life. why is it that i am at a total loss when it comes to intellectual exchanges? and why is it that i feel so little? i feel so babaw. yikes.

other little things: Insane kidnapped my frog AND my red scarf and he still isn't giving it back, i left one of the cooking chopstix-slash-wizard wands at franco's, my math midterm results weren't as satisfactory as i expected (what a bighead), and i feel so frustrated that nothing kapow! is really going on with my life. it's still that old celebrity complex, that desire to be big and be in the thick of things, to be popular to some extent, even if i am not really that capable. but i'd like to believe i am capable! :( and then i get torn, when i see other people being just simple and stuff and still getting all the attention... i guess i am just an envious miserable wench. i thought i'd finally figure out who i should be, but i still can't... wah. and why do i care so much about what other people would think, anyway? yikes. enough ranting. but what am i supposed to do? i really don't know.
>><<
cheap baubles
caught my eye at the shop
and i took them all
before i could stop.
and now my arms are filled
with various forms of junk
and my head is filled with wails
that say i'll have no luck.

(lame, indeed.)

i am slow.
stupid.
boring.
an insignificant dot
in a pointillist picture.
i tore a leaf
but no one cared.
i cut the line
but no one heard.
i am slow
stupid
boring.
a fading light
from the remnants of the night.
>><<
The Sisterhood of The Travelling Pants - nice, sappy, absolutely girly movie, and that's the way i like it! :) hehe. Alexis Bledel is my hero because she portrayed Rory in Gilmore Girls, and she was so pretty in this movie. hehe. so babaw nanaman. ^_^

bored... this is fun... go see it! :D



:D



ayun...

Dino taught me to play dotA last night. well now i know how, but i don't think i'll be very gung ho about it. hehe. or maybe i need to play some more... but games really are just not my thing... :)

i've been very crappy this week. doing useless stuff. no drive. hehe. la lng.



one of the cute puppies at the dorm... this one's named coal... for obvious reasons! :D hehe. cute cute... sooper. la lng. :D