So I'm selfish and I don't have a clue? I'm superficial and I don't know what to do? I lack drive and initiative and I don't have a voice. I'm weak and I am not worthy.

Looking at the way I run my life I hardly belong in this world I walk in, nor am I living up to all my ideals.

But it's just not my freaking priority right now.

Get that in your head, self.

Stop feeling so worthless already.

You'll get there.

You'll freaking get there.

--end rant--

I feel... drained.

My stomach is bugging me right now. it's demanding my brain to will my feet to walk to the kitchen, my arms to grasp the refrigerator doors, my eyes to seek the first saccharide-laden object in it, and my mouth to taste it. my teeth to chew. my throat to swallow. and my esophagus to bring it to the balloon-like muscle, full of corrosive juices, ready to digest the chocolate and send its benefits to my whole body. then I will feel better. so give me chocolate. hehe.

why do we feel hunger?

And it's not just the biological hunger. it's all those cravings for those things we need to feel satiated. really pretty clothes. the highest number of enemies killed (I'm talking about computer games). hugs. praise from other people. music. attention? Gawd, we need them. admit it.

But why do these things (which we tell ourselved we need to have or else we'll die) always seem to run out? why do we have to keep looking for these psychological food in order to thrive? why can't we be permanently satisfied?

or maybe it's us, who keep on getting bigger and bigger, never being content with what we have.

**darn, my stomach's still growling. what a pain.

>><<
Inna's formal coming-of-age last night. I was really, really, so happy to see her and the rest of my high school kada... the turtles!!! kamiss, super. Ganda ng place. Sarap ng food. Draft beer galore haha. Ganda namin (heels. lace. makeup. go figure!). Ang ganda ng gowns ni Inna. ganda ng moments (nasa candles ako). Will post the pictures I took maybe later this week. Hayun. a little after midnight we started playing suck-and-blow around the table... parang high school lunch time ulit. pero know what? it was a bit different. we laughed a bit differently. the consequence for the fallen card was different (may gatas pa sa labi haha. foam, more like). iba na ung mga taong tinutukso namin sa isa't isa. but we were all still together. grabeh. I love those guys. can't wait for the christmas gimmick. :D Tins and I wrote her introduction... Justine wrote these lines that went "...from holding crayons to lipsticks, from playing with barbie dolls to looking like one..." I forgot the rest of the analogies, pero it was really beautiful. and when Inna finally went up the stage, escorted by torches, hay. it was such a moment. Happy 18th Inna... good luck!!! mwah! hehe.

>><<
Nangangati ang utak ko. I just realized that I haven't gone down to a real emo-let-it-all-out creative session for AGES. kasi, I haven't come up with any new material at all. am I really that busy? har to the hundredth power. and my newfound sarcasm's kinda blame-worthy too... parang nag-dissipate na ung pamumulaklak ko ng mga salita. harumph. wala lang. Siguro i'm just worried that I'll get "left behind." har. hmm. whutever. yakk. Join an org? Hmm.

>><<
I don't know whether to feel pleased or pissed, but I really am turning into a junkie. My ukay fascination is starting to turn into... hmm. it's not really an obsession. a habit? oh nohh. haha. pero and kulit eh. jacket. haha. sarap. black velvet. 25 pesos. bow. :D hope I can pull this thing off. But I'm not dissing the mall altogether of course... because I need really good shoes this christmas. haha. we're so optimistic about christmas aren't we? we're all really looking forward to it, as if that day would really make our problems disappear. but it's really just a day isn't it? Come 26th it's time to clean up and go back to work (until New Year's Eve). But still, people really are much nices during Christmas. and I love that. I noticed, though, that the "air" I usually feel around this time is absent. Hmm. Am I getting older again? It seems people are not that excited to celebrate Christmas this year. awr. hmm. Bakit hindi pa rin maginaw sa elbi?!!

>><<

(ito wala lang)

parang gusto kong sumigaw ng "nandito naman ako, a!". pero hindi ko naman madahilanan kung bakit ko gusto isigaw un. wala naman ako gusto mangyare na iba.

weird.

so cold, so warm, who cares?

Hunger. It consumes me like a pest.

I try to run away, but they seem to have tied my leg to the tree.

Must. get. out. must. get. out.

confounded. definitely.

what do I do?

Last Thursday two of my teachers made references to Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago. My Sociology 130 professor did a mean imitation of MDS' infamous "I lied. HAHAHAHAHA!" statement to illustrate her point while going over the house rules against cheating and lying. Wag daw namin siya gagayahin. My Humanities 1 teacher, while talking about egos, used Miriam as an example: "...With her ego as big as her hairdo." Oh, the notoriety. But to have lost a son who took his own life... Whoever made this world really has a twisted sense of humor.

Speaking of egos, I think I'm one girl with a very, very disillusioned ego... I mean, what I see in my head is different from what actually happens out there. It can be terribly frustrating. But then again, don't we all have that problem? hmm. I dream of being great, just like everyone else, but often I feel that my idea of greatness is something I'm not cut to handle... I mean, I'm happiest when I'm doing domestic tasks, for one thing. I think I need to re-align my thoughts really well. My priorities. My self-concept.

Maybe that's why I had so much trouble writing my "who am I?" essay for psychology 1 (two pages of ego-tripping, my foot) and why I'm reluctant to begin my self-portrait for Hum1. Darn. haha.

>>

I have nothing more to say for now.

Oh, the trouble of packing for elbi. I always want to bring the whole house with me. It's different this time - last summer I was really excited about finally being away, so i wanted to bring everything dear and familiar to me and "relocate" them to my erstwhile "home". now all I want is to feel like i'm "home" all the time - "home", meaning, right here. it's sad that i'm not as happy as i wanted to be - or thought I was. maybe all this mild rejection stems from regret for certain things - maybe it's deep down there and i'm just denying it. or maybe i'm a sadist who is never happy when i'm enjoying something all the way. or is that pessimism? or what about - oh, man - paranoia? haha. i wish someone would analyze all this for me. heehee. Despite all this, i guess I'm excited. new sem. haha. i foresee positive things.

My Resolutions For This Semester:

1. SAVE MONEY. - One thing i am definitely looking forward to - the return of le allowance. heehee. my "savings" (savings my foot) ran out earlier than I hoped, and my cell phones have been such snobs because they haven't been replying to text messages. seriously, i am going to be wiser about my money. seriously. seriously. seriously, seriously.

2. Pay more attention to my maintenance rituals. - LOL (it's very important). I look at my body and see SUCH a mess. It's not as much as meeting other people's standards about being beautiful, but feeling better about myself. see, all my life i've never had so much as a pimple, and now I have a mass of red blemishes on my forehead. I just want to be, um, maintained. :p I'm reading this book I found in Lola's bookshelf - a 1960's edition titled The Art of Clothing Selection. it's a very, very old fashioned and rigid manual about style, propriety, and etiquette, but it's wonderful seeing all those pictures of clothes that were fashionable during there time. such elegance. heehee. now you only find it in the office or in other countries. anyway, there's a part there that stresses the importance of good grooming as part of self-development - when you're really disciplined about your body, you train yourself to be disciplined on other aspects of life. if there's one thing i need a lot of, it's discipline. :)

3. Pay attention to my classes. - no more twos (I got one this sem). dream on, but i'd really like to try. it wouldn't hurt.

4. Pray. - after all my "whoa, my eyes have been opened" talk, i think i'm kinda missing believing. haha. and besides, i'm still on choir, and i still play on the organ every week. darn, i really need the answers soon. i'm not gonna go "God is Love, amen" all at once though. I'm just gonna start talking to him - whoever, wherever, whatever he is. (Maybe John Denver? or Napoleon? or Hitler?)

5. Be more organized. - this morning I made my very own calendar sheets on the computer. i'm gonna stick them to my wall (or attach them to my three ring binder - yes, binder for this sem!) so i'd be more in track of things. I used to be very OC about writing down everything I have to do because I'm really scatterbrained. I always used to have that uber-girly planner from Candy Magazine. heehee. parang scrapbook kasi ung dating. Eh last June, no planner came out, and i didn't want to lug around a bulky office planner, so i ended up relying on post-its (which I conveniently misplaced all the time). hay. will try better this sem. really.

6. Be more focused. - Hmm. Find my missing/borrowed stuff.

7. Be more passionate (about my projects and stuff). - I want to be more proud of the things I do. I'm crossing my fingers for the PYM play. I know with my situation it will be impossible to attend practices regularly, but as nothing's concrete yet, i'm still being optimistic. *crosses fingers* ok? :). Also, I'm terrible at execution. Manyana habit. I have the idea in the thought, and the will, but not the drive. i need to re-learn being more enthusiastic. I want to save the earth.

8. Repeat after me: "I don't want a boyfriend. yet" ;p. I don't want a boyfriend yet. I don't... oh, Kada Pagong, Rupert, Mariz, help.


- I've decided to print this out and post in on my wall too. hehe. :D

I just read a short story titled Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez. it's for my little brother's book report. pinoy-written english stories have that air, do they not? always semi-tragic for some reason. must be our history. it's always like that. when we let time have things its way, everything really loses its sparkle. everything dies. everyone gives it all up to resignation. the things we always hope for are not really the things we want in the end -and we only realize that then. I googled the author and among the sites I found was this, which i think should be worth my frequent visits. really wonderful writers. heehee. someday.

I have been to Jessica Zafra's blog. Jessica Zafra, queen of all non-conformity and antisocialism, blogging (which, aside from being napakauso, in a way, is socializing in denial). haha. Or maybe I just have this totally wrong impression of her. ala lng.

Sam Concepcion (that super-gwapo kid who's in Little Big Star) floods my Friendster Bulletin Board frequently with updates about his fans and his fansites. I think it's really courteous of him to thank all the people who support him, but really, seven or eight posts bearing the same content as the others? hmm. maybe he doesn't want to be outdone by the other flooders. Hmm. I also have a sneaky suspicion that some other person (his manager, maybe?) is already composing those posts. fan maintenance ba. haha. Btw, yeah, I wouldn't be musing about this if I didn't add him, right? haha!!! Maybe I was hoping that nobody else watches TV. haha. anyway, I don't even get to watch that show anymore. Wala lang. Maybe if I were super-crazy over him I wouldn't be slightly offended by those posts. un lng. :D

dyuloogs. thanks for the new vocabulary entry, zzah. man. haha.


**postcript: I've just been poisoned, but let me laugh. haha. but if they are entitled to their opinions, then so am I. live and let live, shall we all? Laissez Fare... (is the spelling right?). huff.

In spite of myself I have been thinking about him (it's partly his fault anyway, making paramdam like that. so passe`, i couldn't help but laugh :D). Haha. Kasi, if only all this weird things never happened, he's very much the kind of person I get along well with. well, that was the case before, was it not? anyway... I can't help but feel a little guilty too!!! awrgh! pero... i don't know. i still feel that i cannot really... um... meet his expectations. there. I will be here (dyuloogs, man! haha!), but not in the way he wants me to be. so i'm really sorry Z... :( but this is all it's gonna be, i guess.

it's amy's birthday today!!! yayayayayaah!! I miss that patis-loving, theater-rocking turtle. i was on the phone with her this afternoon... she's really, really, REALLY happy right now, and I'm super glad for her. haha. and as it turns out, she hasn't been left out on the "we've all changed" bandwagon... along with me and justine and lilia... hahahahaha! :D ala lng. I miss them so much.

Lapit na Christmas. sigh. hmm... wish list time again. world peace, of course. a laptop. really nice shoes. good grades. apple pie la mode. a spa day. hehe. :D longer hair. flatter tummy. heehee! oh, I know what I really want. as in right now. know what it is? a really deep, really long, really contemplative conversation. about those random, profound-yet-totally-irrelevant stuff. hay. I really need a kausap right now. heehee. what's Sun for? haha. hmm. talking to a computer gets pretty boring after a while. haha. and it makes me paranoid. ayun. when I get that, i'll be quite content. :D

"You know you're inlove when you can't sleep at night, because reality is finally better than your dreams" - Dr. Seuss (what do you say, franco? haha. found this quote on Reese's blog. thought it was really nice. Dr. Seuss! haha!)

a quiz. got this from haziel.

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

why baluutt? Ala lng. craving for one right now. quirk. haha. i just uploaded my oldest tabulas layout. I have a thing for this so i haven't thrown it in the trash bin yet. I just had the feeling it's gonna be my favorite. hehe. and it matches my friendster profile right now, perfectly. so go see it too. ahaha. :)


Not really rooting for Uma to win, but I like watching him. Thought he was gay or something. He's really nice. funny. changed my impression of the quintessential bumbay. Haha!



L to R: Tonton's Sardineman (our after-bingo feast. seriously), Lolo's Grave, Oyo the superspoiled dog, the earrings I designed (my nieghbor Nelia makes and sells them!), One of Lolo's last paintings. Have I mentioned my grandfather was a journalist, a painter, and a great father? He's one of my role models.



top to bottom: Ahlee treated me to a Cello's feast - bonding namin. yuummmm. :) Love ahlee! hehe. Me and frosty, another sueprspoiled dog at Lola's, and THE Pinoi Group: Rupert, Cel, Chel, Chris, and me. these guys were my groupmates for the whole sem. we had so much fun along with the rest of the class. such creative funny people. I love CommArts. coursemates ko kasi sila (and blockmates too, on chel and cel's case) Will I still try transferring to Diliman? I think I should. A greater part of me wants to. But I know I'm gonna lose out on so much if I leave Elbi too. it's so easy to think of reasons to love the place. shit. ahahaha. :)