Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going on a hiatus (if it wasn't evident enough).

I need to organize my thoughts. I think I'm a bit depressed. *smile* hehe

I'll still go online though. :)

i'm gonna type out the most worthless, aimless post ever, simply because i've got time and i don't know what to do with it. go rambling on and on, maybe? hehe. aw come on, who said I ever wrote posts that are NOT aimless and worthless, anyway? haha.

I'm just looking around right now... since we have a new TV (courtesy of super-bongga camille!) on the floor, we now get to watch tv (which, really, is more important than exams, haha), and that new commercial about a girl getting a haircut has been on my mind for the past twenty-something hours, because of the cute guy there - the girl's "friend". awww. been trying to look for him on google, but no luck. don't even know his name. but he's cuuutttee! hehe. (ew, i hate it when I go like that). maybe someone can tip me off about him?!! :)

I have just been poisoned again. click the link and get to know BrianBoy. hoshit. totally scandalous. he's pinoy?! grabeh.

I had my IT exam last night, and it was a disaster - I hardly reviewed, I missed the make-up class, and Anne and I were in the wrong exam room (because we weren't listening when Sir Albacea announced the assigned rooms for the sections). and we were so obvious the whole time, and it was really embarrassing - para kaming hindi matinong estudyante :( wah. hmm. gawd, now i'm just wishing i don't fail the exam - not counting on getting anything higher than a 2 anymore. hmm-mm!!! sayang. hay, xta. :( pero.... wheee!!! ok lang pala. masaya pa rin. hehehehehehehehehehehe. :) heheheheheheheheh. :) anubayan! haha. nabaliw nnman ako. patay! bawal na ako mabaliw. heellpp!

buti na lang , yung natsc2 exam ko, it went pretty well. I think.

more evidence of my ka-walalang-an: somewhere out there, there is a 37-year old somebody who also calls herself xta. and she blogs too. and she loves flats. hmm.

ayan!!! online na siya!!! ohmigod. hahaha. huy, huy! psst! psst! online rin ako! psst!...

what an idiot, yesIam.

BAWAL MABALIW!!!

lapit na lakad applications for transfer. mught start next week. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hm. hum.

I'm missing my keyboard.
I want to write good songs.
I want.
harf.

hmm. he's oblivious. oh no.
maybe he's waiting?
hehe.

bawal mabaliw!!!

hm.

twenty more minutes before I legitimately "spend time". hmm.

this shall be the closest thing to a mention that you will get here, and you might not even get it, which would suit me just fine on second thought. this whole thing just makes me sad, but i really can't push myself to care. cruel? i don't know why i'm like this. I feel evil. I feel that this is gonna kick back on me big time someday. and then there's that part of me that somehow senses that this is a little game for you too. so please. this is not doing either of us any freaking good at all. you know that? i know you do. so forgive me, but i can't understand why. tae, y? warghsh.

maybe i should just stop treating this as one big drama. maybe i'm playing it out bigger than it really seems. and there I go again.

>>

Sa Nasc2

(Our Group - Aira, Kuya Ed, Nikka, Uno, and I - reported about gemstones.)

Kuya Ed: (ala Paolo Bediones) A pleasant good evening to everyone, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! (it was January 4).

Me: (Hindi nakayanan ang sudden burst of perkiness ni Kuya Ed, halos nahulog sa chair kakapigil ng tawa.)

(after the reporting, Mam Habito had a follow-up lecture)

Mam Habito: Ice is a mineral. blah blah blah...

Class: Oooohhhh...

Me: (To aira) Ahh... kaya pala may mineral water! (to the whole class pala).

Class: (to themselves) Nyeeeehhhh...

Sa Mall:

(overheard)

Bata: Kanina si mama nagtimbang sa waiting scale!!!

Me: ...

Sa Kwarto

Ahlee: (trying on my new - ganda!!! - pants) ...parang ang taba ko.

Me: Hindi naman a...

Ahlee: parang napuno e... (depressed)

Me: (reproving) ano ka ba... baboy ka talaga! (tae, wrong expression)

I dread reunions on my father's maternal side.

Lola celebrates her birthday on New Year's Day (she would've been 82 this year) and she tradionally held her celebration/reunion here in her house. Since she died two years ago we've been celebrating her birthday at Loyola. there's considerably less relatives present, but in some ways it's much worse because i couldn't run up to my room if i wanted to escape all the snobbishness.

escape used to be the last thing I wanted to do, because I believed that it's not ideal to escape relatives. you have to like them, and they have to like you. and i thought, i'm not doing anything wrong, so i shouldn't be shy when talking to them. Even thought Lola didn't particularly voice her wishes out, i knew she would be sad if her direct apos lost connection with the rest of the Cachola clan. filial connections were very important to her. i'd like to think it really is.

year after year, i take their hands and place it on my forehead, i smile politely, i answer questions about my school. i don't know who to blame. it must be mama, because she really doesn't like them, and me and my siblings are full of her stories about all the titos and titas. it must be them, looking down on us for some reason i couldn't explain. it must be me, paranoid, and somehow jealous because they seem to lead better lives than we do...

it's not that i think my life's inferior to them, but it's hard when i see them and i hear them talking about things that my materialistic self secretly dreams about... i don't want to feel that way, i don't want to feel like a loser, but these reunions are the only really significant instances in my life when i genuinely feel like a loser. hahaha. i don't know whether they look down on us intentionally. all i know is that it happens, and i don't feel really fine about it. it sucks, but at the same time, it pushes me to work really hard to exceed their expectations, and mine as well.

what a greaatt way to start the year. whining and feeling depressed. haha. well, i'm returning to Elbi today. i wouldn't have to worry about superficial self-concept issues anymore. :D