From my old peanuts comic book. I inhaled the inch-thick dust under my bed just to look for it, because I've forgotten some parts, but the definition really stuck in my head all these years:

Patty: Lately everything seems to bother me...

Charlie Brown: How do you mean?

Patty: What do you think security is, chuck?

Charlie Brown: Security? Security is sleeping in the back seat of the car... When you're a little kid, and you've been somewhere with your mom and dad, and it's night, and you're riding home in the car, you can sleep in the back seat... you don't have to worry about anything... your mom and dad are in the front seat, and they do all the worrying... they take care of everything...

Patty: That's real neat!

Charlie Brown: But it doesn't last! suddenly, you're grown up, and it can never be that way again! suddenly, it's over, and you can never get to sleep in the back seat again! never!

Patty: Never?

Charlie Brown: Absolutely never!

Patty: Hold my hand, chuck!!

***

we have to fight somehow. how? I don't know.

i have to deal with my issues...

then i'll fight too. haha.

i have to learn how to drive before i get somewhere.

i can't keep asking people to take me around.

and i can't be content staying here, either!!!

go figure.

TANG INA!

BUWISIT!

SHIT!

TAE TALAGA!

TARANTADO!

TANG INA!

LECHE!

PUNYETA!

GAGO!

PUTANG INA!

FUCK YOU!

DAMN!

>> and then it would still be not enough. why these cuss words anyway? where do they take us? is there some scientific explanation that says that stretching your tongue and mouth to sound the above mentioned words would bring, like relief? nyeh.

"Bakit ba ganito ang mundo?"

Oh, Enicola is gonna kill me for this. Went to see the movie with my mom, no less. I probably would have appreciated it if i wasn't so upset over other things that i'm trying to ignore (it seems the best way). hmmm. a good film. to be completely honest, almost half the time i couldn't catch what macho heath was mumbling about. jake was ok. beautiful, even. heehee. could have been better really. but i like how masculine it all was. it's one very sad movie, no doubt. see where fear takes you. nowhere. but would they have been really happy together? i think a lot of us hang on to unfulfilled wishes too much because of the wonder and mystery surrounding the question "what if?" but that what if thing... it's all really in our head. that's why we love it. that's why their leap-year trysts were perfect. they were deviations from reality. but if things were to go on, you'd realize your what if was one big effin mistake. it never relly figures out the way we want it to. sadness. that's the way things really are, aren't they? we all just have such a hard time understanding it. yikes. we all need hopes, or else we'd go crazy.

so i really have to be kind. i did everything wrong, i guess. but you did too.

i wish i could get to read the story. i wasn't thinking about love while watching the movie though. i was thinking of two men going crazy and being overwhelmed by their desires from being isolated too long. perhaps this ugly viewpoint is a side effect of all the recent effin things that have been going on? these days... medyo nakakatamad pag-isipan ang pag-ibig. nakakawalang gana. eyun.



in any case, it's still a must-see, just because. maybe you'd get to pick something from it, whoever you are. :) i think "tough" (hmmp!!!) guys would be reallllyyyy hesitant about the thought of seeing two manly actors share spit. but there you go. hehe. :p

I'm a pig
in the mud.

***

I do not want to worry about unnecessary roses and teddy bears that ungrateful,crazy me didn't want to receive. I want to worry about school politics and world peace. I do not want to worry about my body image. I want to worry about world hunger. I do not want to go crazy over this really nice guy. I know I'm not the only one. I do not want to worry about being popular. I want to find God again – whoever, whatever, wherever he is. I do not want to worry about whether next week I'd have well-thought outfits. I want to get 1's in my subjects. I do not want to worry about entrance exams to Diliman. I want to stay here. I do not want to blow my allowance. I want to save up, save up, be diligent. I do not want to be me anymore. Garsh.

What if I'm just hungry?

I went out for a while, because I want to look for someone who'd actually listen to what I say, and say something in return as opposed to just publishing my thoughts. But I still can't find that person. I don't know why I keep on avoiding him as if I hate him. Do I hate him? Maybe I hate myself. And that's why I'm avoiding him. But I really can't. He can't. so there, that's over, I hope this thing just dies itself out.

I'm still tripping everywhere, and bumping into everything. I haven't changed. I thought I was morphing into a cynic. But I seem more like a pathetic whiner.

Oh, all these words do not suit me. Why do I have such a problem with what suits me?

I don't know what to wear.

I don't know who to be.

Huff. I’m not okay right now. that's all. :P

wala lang ulit.

ang init lang talaga ngayong araw.

nalulungkot ako? sheesh.

ang init lang talaga.

I want out.

but i hate crowds.

can i just watch forever?