yes, really, there's the time, the mood, and the blinking cursor, even the pencil and the bound notebook on the bed just in case. but there's nothing. it's as if every literary thought has been put into the conveyor belt and stamped "mediocre" or "dismissable" or "silly" or "immoral" before they even form into strings of letters, then words, then sentences. i wish. it's not lack of creativity or imagination, these two things, i believe, are things which no conscious person cannot NOT do, it's like breathing, or blinking when something gets into your eye. but there really is nothing right now, only a gaping hole, black, twisty, sticky even. i like that black gaping hole, it's easy to fill up. there are millions of things i could write about that black gaping hole. but when you have a weekly deadline for a tangible chapter, a tangible, outlined, plotted, tagalog chapter, it's frustrating, it makes you want to pull your hair out. and i don't want to do it in clumps, i want to do it strand by strand, like counting sheep. like telling you all my reasons why. you see, all the hair would look alike, and you'd say it's all the same and i'm just like everyone else and my reasons are barely visible, and prone to falling on the floor, and being swept away by a broom. but my reasons, still, will prick for a millimiter of a second when you pull at them, and a nun from my high school once remarked that repetition is meditation, which makes you transcend, and that's why we pray the rosary, and when you really put all the barely visible reasons together, they're dark and tangled and creepy, remember sadako and the ring? and this is the way my mind works, i know this is too tedious to read through, but don't worry i really don't care, it's just that... it's just that, you know, just in case. :)

last week should've been a memorable parliament week - we were supposed to be celebrating our anniversary, and we were supposed to host an inter-high school debate competition. but due to circumstances beyond our control (seriously! all the schools backed out), i guess it didn't turn out as eventful as i hoped. but i still believe that we really put effort into this. it just didn't work out. next year, it's gonna be a blast. we promise. hehe LOL.

***

all my batchmates... seem to be running for student council. fun. :D batch dichotomy. har.

***

i hate her. and i hope she will be the last person that i hate like this. i hate her because she reminds me of how unpopular i felt when i was in highschool (really, it's the same feeling, and that's really what struck me about this, and not really the reason why i hate her).

i hate her because i get jealous. and i used to believe that only girlfriends get jealous - but even friends, i guess, can feel left out sometimes, or feel insecure, or feel inferior. i hope nobody minds that i get really jealous of her hogging our other friend's attention sometimes, even if it's not romantic jealous. and before you scream "denial queen!" in my face, please, i'm so sick of hearing about how you know everything. i mean, it sucks, you up there in the clouds, believing you understand me while i don't understand myself. that's b.s.

i hate her, but don't worry, this is temporary and mababaw, and i'm really not into the backstabbing business. i mean that's why i have this blog. i mean that's why i always talk, but never TELL. or why i feel so awkward in quiet little conversations. because i know i'd let go of this eventually. i hate her, but i hate hating her even more. haha, ganoon lang talaga ako.

on second thought... "hate" is too strong. oh never mind.

alive vs. ALIVE. you know? eating versus satiating your hunger. literacy versus learning. laughing versus having fun. feeling good versus feeling LOVED. oh well.

***

memento mori. i was about to say: "the phrase for some funny reason has been stuck in my head since yesterday" but then, duh. it's on my latest wallpaper. featuring yours truly hugging a wall (then i flipped it 90 degrees so i'd look like i fell supine, dead on the floor... ehehe.)

Vanitas - where "vanity" might have been derived - also has a very morose meaning: the more that you look at yourself, the more you become aware of your temporariness, that you will eventually sag, wrinkle, and mingle with the dust.

memento mori. vanitas. we will all line up on the danse macabre. so brutus, why bother?

***

Sidney Sheldon dies at 89. we cannot promise him a necrological service like the one we will have for Garcia Marquez (which is funny again because i was the one who came up with the idea of a necrological service for Marquez, even though I've never read him!) teka masama pala ito, we're already anticipating his death. but mister sheldon, before my dormmates and i started devouring the blaze series (c/o Kat), there was sands of time... may you RIP.

***

i turned down... a chance to attend a reading convention at the Intercon today (sorry irvin, my moolah wasn't going to cut it O.o). pero as it turns i'm meeting up with the turtles pala... ayayayayt! :D hehe. a long overdue oppurtunity to revive myself into their consciousness or something. I know that they wonder if i haven't been long dead sometimes, since i rarely (never!) show up for all the past 'rendezvous' (justine's term). haha.

... when suddenly slapped with an entire free night?

go loner, go silly, go hungry, go figure.

><

i aced my math11 midterm. i really believe i did. LOL!

but my emotions are messed up again. because i'm hating people and i'm seeing so many people who are so uncannily like me again. and this afternoon there was this creepy realization that i was trying to ignore, but i realized it anyway, that maybe i keep on harping about how everyone's my problem, but maybe in the end I'm the only fucking problem after all.

(",)

gudang. gudaaanng. hahaha!

gawd. kainis. will upload several albums on saturday. i hope that cheers me up.

challenge lang ito... overcome it. overcome it.

ok, i'll tell that to myself. wah, i can't wait to overcome ALL OF THIS.

and i'm not even having thea107. isn't that the darndest thing?!

***

thank you for keeping yourself perfect

it sets off my sloppiness perfectly

and of course I think you're better than me

but i'd die before you get to find that out!

:D wah. enough. ugly. must write real things. hehe.